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| Here I am sitting in the CICU waiting room , not being able to sleep, and needing to get some thoughts out of my head, and no notebook. I'll just have to use digital paper.
This is one surreal experience. Certainly not one that I thought I was going to deal with at 22. Granted, my dad is older, but he's always been a fighter. I thought he was as good as dead when he had his heart attack in 96', and then again in 99' with his stroke. 2 major traumas, and Dad comes out with a few bodily scars and stubborn as ever. While you sit in the hospital, you have a lot of time to think. Memories come flooding in, good and bad. Dad was outside, working as usual, and I had to go with him. We hooked up the trailer to the riding lawn mower, and set off for work sites unknown. I didn't care, I got to ride on the trailer and be with my dad. Dad would always point out different things of nature, cigarette in his mouth. A common uniform of worn out jeans, long sleeved button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a handkerchief tied around his head, and a hat. Scuffed, worn-in brown boots to finish off the northern MN look. I always got too hot, so I'd wear shorts, a t-shirt, and some old boots of my dad's. Together, we made quite a team, with pitch forks, rakes, and shovels as our tools of trade. That was the typical day back in the day. I will always have those memories of when dad taught me "manly" things, and never thought I couldn't do it cuz I was a girl.
After dad had his stroke, things dramatically changed. Something in his brain was majorally affected, something that I don't fully understand, even to this day. Days of yelling, anger, and verbal abuse filled the days afterwards. When you are 13, you don't know not to take things personal, and you are ever searching for the approval of those around you. It deeply affects you when you cannot even find it at home. Thoughts of suicide, running away, and hatred filled my mind. You quickly learn to become a "Stained Glass Mascarade." A black hole, set up by Satan, that is almost impossible to find your way out of.
Then I found God. God has this gentle way of beckoning you to Him. When the Spirit fills you, there is no other peace in this world. Finally, the approval I always needed was there, all I needed to do was open myself to Him. If only it was that easy. The pain I held on to set up a blockade around my heart, that God wasn't able to get through. God kept gently nudging pieces away, and the vulnrability got bigger and bigger. There was still a huge piece in the way, and that was my bitterness towards my dad. The day I forgave my dad, was like allowing God to fully encompass me finally. I am able to sit here with no regrets, and having the ability to tell my dad that I love him. Then my dad becomes a Christian, and God shows me again the light in the dark. If my dad's death is what it took for him to become part of my eternal family, I gladly give my dad to God.
This has given me another outlook on life, and that is our lives are supposed to be FULLY dedicated to God. Death is a small matter when it comes to people living eternally. Through this whole process, I kept wondering why now? My dad will not be able to tease me the day a guy asks me to date him, my mom will be a widow at 54, and he won't be able to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. God surely doesn't think that this is the best time for us? That's just it....for US. How selfish could I be? God put a time on my father's life since before he was born. God's plan was to be fulfilled long before I entered the scene, and here I am thinking that I should get a say in when it's time for Him to fulfill it. My dad has Christ now, and I don't know that without this, that my dad would have ever accepted Him. Just because it doesn't fit one of those nice stories that you would have on a ministry DVD, doesn't mean that the angels are singing any less. Our lives are God's and He has every right to do whatever He sees is fit for us. Sometimes it hurts, but we are lucky it's only a broken pride.
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| I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
How many of you have felt this way? Like no matter what you do, you'll never be as pretty as that one girl. When I first heard this song, it touched a place I had hid away for a very long time. I think the song is about a girl who puts on make-up to make herself be beautiful, so that people will like her. In order for her to be worthy of love, she must be beautiful on the outside. I wonder how many of you feel that way too? I know I did for most of my life. Maybe if you fix your hair that way, or wear your dress this way, that one boy is going to finally notice you. If only I could bake like her or be outgoing like her. There are a ton of "if onlys" out there, and I'm going to tell you right now, that they are a bunch of hullabaloo from Satan. Notice at the end of the song, it changes, and she starts talking about how God makes her beautiful. God being in her heart makes her beautiful, and worthy of love. That's the secret right there ladies. God. His love shining from you is what makes you so beautiful. Each and everyone of us Christian girls has this glow about us that people are attracted to. We are princesses, adorned with a cloak of purity and righteousness. What can be more beautiful then that? You girls are so beautiful and amazing, and I thank God that He has put each and everyone of you in my life. Thanks for everything!
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| These come from a radio program I listen to on my IPod. I thought they were funny....Enjoy!
Can I buy you a non-alcoholic beverage?
You are perfect.....except with all the sin.
Shall we tithe?
The word says give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry...so how about dinner?
I didn't believe in predestination.....until now...
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.....he never met you
You put the cute back in persecution....
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead
You teeth, hardly any of them are missing
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
So...my parents are home...wanna come over?
If I had to choose between a date with you or a night out with the fellas...I'd stay at home and read my bible
You're totally depraved....but I'd still like to go out with you
I'm not a big fan of your last name...but that's cool...I can change that
When I read Phillipians 4:8...I think of you
Look, you're nearly 22 and most Christians are 3 years into marriage by now...why don't you just settle for me?
If you were a leper...I'd still hold your hand...even if it wasn't attached
I'd ask you out to dinner, but I just put all of my money in the offering plate
Hi, I'm Calvin...you were meant to choose me
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| It seems as though Cupid had struck his arrows into a lot of my friends lately. Last night I found out that one of my friends is engaged, and another will be dating and getting engaged soon also. Then I found out that like 5 other friends had significant others(none of you know any of these people, cuz they're my college friends). So along with Nathan, Aaron and Lysh, Jed, Laura and Packy, Robyn, Robin and Londa, and 8 of college friends, that makes up a lot of talking about what I have as my title. So, that meant listening to a bazillion romance stories in the last year. Last night really got me thinking about being in a relationship( after I giggled to myself, cuz I can't see myself in a relationship), and how that compared to my relationship with God. Then tonight at work I was in a writing mood, so I decided to write this little dealy up.
The
trees whispered sweet love songs as I floated on the lake. The breeze
carried scents of dew and flowers. The loons called out to their mates,
in longing, to settle for the night. The lake mirrored the bright
orange and pink of the setting sun. I sighed as I watched the lover's
dance of the Bald Eagles soaring above my head. What would it be like
to know you have found the love of your life, I wondered. To know that
every time you wake up, someone is looking out for you and loving you.
To join you in your suffering and pain. To listen to your heart and
know the unfathomable love you share. To dance with joy over your
triumphs and victories. To protect you from those who are out to hurt
you and make you stumble. To love you till the end of time with that
open-hearted, wild-abandonment love. I looked up, and heard this voice
whisper,"You have it." I smiled as I thought of the amazing God I have.
"I love You," I whispered back.
I used to get jealous of my friends, when they went from guy to guy, thinking that was the thing to do. My friends were always in a relationship, and always trying to get me in one. Now, I love being in love with God. He is all I need. This short story thing is for those who are still waiting for that God-appointed one. That day will come, but until then, keep growing into that person that God needs you to be. God is also working on your guy or girl, and has this awesome romance story for you. Isn't it comforting to know that God already has it planned out, and that He will give you that person when you're both ready? Anyways, I hope this helped someone. Have a God-filled week!
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